Hermione Help Me!
by The Bickering Kingdom
Summary: A series of letters from Harry to his friends & enemies. Set the summer before Harry's 5th years. The sequel Did You Miss Me Now posted.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**Set: OTP In the summer before starts his fifth year.**

Dear Hermione,

Help Me!.

Voldemort has recruited squirrels to spy on me. I was in the park and there were squirrels and at first I didn't pay any attention to them.

But then a baby squirrel started looking at me in a threatening and suspicious way.

Please tell Dumbledore that my life is in danger and that if I get murdered by squirrels it's his fault.

In other news I have developed a serious caffeine addiction, Coffee, Coca-Cola, Energy drinks. If it's got caffeine in I'll drink it.

So if you could find it in your heart to send me things with caffeine in I'd be grateful.

The Dursleys refuse to get me anything and I can't go out because of the squirrel threat.

Love Harry

Dear Harry,

Dumbledore says that I shouldn't write to you and that you're trying to get everyone's attention. I know you and know how far you'll go if you're ignored so I'm disobeying Dumbledore.

I'm pretty certain that Voldemort has not recruited squirrels to spy on you and that you're not going to be' murdered by squirrels.

But just as a precaution I've arranged for enough cans and bottles of Coca-Cola to be' delivered to you so you won't have to go out also I arranged for food to be' sent as well.

Love Hermione

P.S Ron, Ginny, The twins, Padfoot and Remus say Hi.

Dear Hermione,

I received the food and drink, thank-you. Tell everyone I said Hi.

What I really want to know is how Padfoot and Remus were able to tell you to tell me Hi.

Well I'm off to write to Dumbledore and Voldemort.

Love Harry.

Dear Voldemort,

At our next show down will you say "Harry I am your father".

Also have you recruited an army of squirrels to spy on me?.

If you have please tell Dumbledore you have and that they are going to kill me.

Harry Potter, The boy you keep failing to kill.

Dear Dumbledore,

I just sent a letter to Voldemort and I want you to know that I know you're plotting to steal Hedwig.

But you can't have her, she's my owl.

The seriously fed up and slightly insane Harry Potter.

**AN: I wrote this to try and help get over my mild writers block.**

**Should I write a second chapter? .**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

Dear Harry,

I cannot tell you how am I able to tell you Hi from Padfoot and Remus. It's too risky to put in a letter that can be' easily intercepted.

Dumbledore got your letter. At first he thought you were joking about writing to Voldemort, but when it was confirmed' that you had Dumbledore was not happy.

Mrs. Weasley wasn't happy either and she is going to have a few things to say to you next time she sees you.

The twins and Padfoot thought it was hilarious though.

Love Hermione.

Dear Potter,

No I do not have an army of squirrels following you or planning to kill you, nor will I tell Dumbledore that I have.

And I will not say "Harry, I am your father next we meet".

Do not write me again, go away bug someone else.

The Dark Lord.

Dear Hermione,

Tell Dumbledore I do not care if he is happy or not. He couldn't even take a couple of seconds to write to me.

Voldemort wrote to me and he hates me. Well I assume he hates me as he has tried to kill me a lot.

In other and completely unrelated news I think my aunt and uncle have an alien living inside them.

I am not sure, will need to investigate further.

Love Harry

P.S Tell Padfoot, Ron and Mrs. Weasley I'll send them a letter.

P.P.S Tell Dumbledore I am going to write Voldemort again.

Dear Mrs. Weasley,

Would you please write to Voldemort and get him to say "Harry, I am your father."

Because I really think he'll listen to you as you're super scary.

Love Harry.

Dear Padfoot,

I have the sneaking feeling that aliens are living inside my aunt and uncle, I fear they want to eat the flesh from my bones.

It is all rather scary actually so please come and save me.

Also bite Dumbledore for me, he's a jerk.

Love Harry.

Dear Voldemort,

You never do anything for me, you're completely unreasonable so I had no choice but to set Molly Weasley on you.

Sorry dude, but you should have agreed to my simple request.

Also my scar keeps burning when you're angry, I think we have some weird creepy connection.

So take up anger management, you little demon.

The boy who lives to annoy you.

Dear Ron,

Be a pal and get Sirius to save me and to bite Dumbledore. Also if could get your mother to write to Voldemort that'd be' swell.

Because I've already told Voldemort she would and I don't want to look like a liar in front my arch-enemy.

Sincerely Harry.

Dear Harry,

Padfoot bit Dumbledore, but he can't come and get you or write to you.

Me and Hermione are barely able to sneak letters to you.

Sorry mate, but you're going to have to look like a liar because my mum won't write to Voldemort for you.

Hermione sends her love and hopes to write to you soon.

Sincerely Ron.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers. **

Dear Hermione,

I have to turned' my bedroom into a bath, I am now having a fully clothed bubble bath while using my mattress as a boat.

I've no idea how I am going to get the water out or how I will ever get the room dry.

The Dursleys don't know yet, but I am sure that the boring trio will overreact to the whole thing.

They always overreact, just the other day my aunt nearly shattered the windows with her screaming because I took apart the cooker and the washing machine because I needed the components to use to build a space ship.

Yes, I am building space. The reason because I want to send all the left shoes to Mars.

Then everybody will only have one shoe and they'll look ridiculous.

Love Harry.

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Dear Harry,

Dumbledore is going to allow Padfoot and Remus to visit you to help straighten out your bedroom.

He is only allowing it because I told Mrs. Weasley you would get into terrible trouble and the Dursleys might kick you out and then you'd do something reckless like go to Voldemort.

And she complained until he gave in, now this only a visit Harry so unfortunately they can't bring you here. But they will explain a few things.

The twins wanted me to ask you if once you've built your space ship if the ship would have room for a bag of broken quills.

Love Hermione.

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Dear Hermione,

Tell the twins yes there is room.

YAY!. Padfoot and Remus are coming to see me. Okay they are going to leave me here, but at least I get their company for a short while.

I have to go now as Voldemort's owl has just turned up, it has the most evil eyes and it keeps pecking my hand.

Love Harry.

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Dear Potter,

I am not scared of Molly Weasley, nor am I scared of anything your puny little mind could come up with.

No, I will not take anger management classes or see an anger management therapist just because when I am angry your scar burns.

Do not refer to me as a little demon.

As for never doing anything for you, you never do anything for me.

All I have ever asked is that you die by my hand, but no. You refuse to just die.

The Dark Lord who is plotting how to rid himself of you.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers. **

Dear Voldemort,

I know deep down, very deep down that you love me. You trying to kill me is your way of showing it.

I wish you'd show it in a less homicidal way, maybe buy me a pony or crayons.

I love crayons, I like drawing robots on the walls with them.

Anyway I have to go now, I have visitors here to help drain the water from my room.

Harry Potter your archenemy.

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Dear Harry,

Why are' Padfoot and Remus covered in jam? and muttering he really has lost it?.

Ron.

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Dear Ron,

I had to cover them in jam so the demons that live my wall didn't detect them.

As to why they think I have finally lost it I've no idea why they think that.

Your best friend apart the creepy clown that lives under your bed who is more your best friend than me,Harry.

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Dear Harry,

There is no creepy clown living under my bed and if there was it wouldn't be' my best friend.

Ron.

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Dear Ron,

There is a creepy clown living under your bed, his name is Billy Bob.

He is very hurt that you don't consider him your best friend.

He told the demons in my wall and they told me.

Harry.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers. **

Dear Potter,

I do not love you, I will never love you.

I am never going to buy you a pony or crayons. I will torture and kill you.

Stop writing to me!.

The Dark Lord.

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Dear Dumbledore,

Voldemort refuses to buy me a pony and some crayons which is just mean.

And he wants me to stop writing to him, but don't worry I won't.

In other news a hundred Flamingos have arrived at Privet drive from nowhere, they appeared in the living room an hour ago.

I swear it isn't down to me.

Harry I am suspicious of flamingos Potter.

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Dear Harry,

Dumbledore still refuses to reply to you even though he gets your letters.

He says everybody is busy so no one for the time being can get rid of the flamingos.

Although everybody is curious as to how they got there in the first place.

Ron has been having nightmares about a clown and demons. He says it's all your fault.

Everybody has started to discuss whether you have finally snapped or if you're just acting. It is rather amusing to hear both sides arguing over who is right.

Love Hermione

P.S I sent you a box of crayons.

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Dear Hermione,

Thank you for the box of crayons, I shall begin drawing robots on the walls once I have finished writing this letter.

I have started to put hats on the flamingos and they look awesome. Although My Aunt Petunia doesn't agree, but that's probably because she has no sense of style.

Well I am going to draw robots on the walls and maybe a duck as well.

Love Harry.

P.S If you could ask the twins to send me stuff to prank the Dursleys with.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers. **

Dear Harry,

Hermione told us of your request for items to help you to prank the Dursleys and of course we are happy to provide you with these items.

Just don't tell our mother because you know how she gets about these things and she is already mad at us for dressing up as clowns, hiding under Ron's bed and waiting there until he had nearly nodded off to sleep then scared him half to death by shouting Boo.

When he saw we were dressed up as clowns he screamed the house down, it was funny.

Fred and George.

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Dear Fred and George,

I promise not to tell your mother about you sending' me pranking items. I will however write to her telling her all about my awesome day.

In fact I am going to start writing a letter to her now.

Harry.

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Dear Mrs. Weasley,

Today has been awesome, my cousin was attacked by flamingos it was hilarious. I drew robot versions of everybody I love on the wall and everybody looks cool as robots.

I was a dolphin for a few hours until I got bored and became a goat. I was briefly a camel, but the less said about that the better.

I lost a game of chess against Hedwig, she is really smart. My aunt keeps giving me odd looks when I start talking to the smiley faces I drew on my fingertips.

Love Harry

P.S Did you know that flamingos are very good at hide and seek.

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Dear Harry,

I do not know what you wrote to Mrs. Weasley, but she is now convinced that you have lost it. She keeps begging Dumbledore to send someone to get you from Private drive, but he insists you have to stay a while longer.

Ron continues to have nightmares and refuses to write to you until you begin behaving normally.

Everything is chaotic here ever since it started raining socks in the house, you wouldn't happen to be behind that would you? .

Love Hermione

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Dear Hermione,

I told Mrs. Weasley about my awesome day, I don't know why that would make her think I've lost it.

Tell Ron I am hurt at his refusal to write to me and that I hope a kangaroo breaks' into his room and draws a moustache on his face.

I may have convinced Dobby the last time he visited to make it start raining socks, there is no may about it I did convince him.

Love Harry

P.S I paid Dobby with both money and pictures of ducks.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers. **

Dear Voldemort,

I am trying to decide which colour cowboy hat would suit me, red or blue?. Which one do you think would look better?.

Also I think am being haunted by the ghost Mr. Snuggles, he was my cousin's teddy bear and years ago I buried him. The teddy bear not my cousin.

Do you know how to get rid of ghost teddy bears?.

Harry, You know you love me, Potter.

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Dear Potter,

I do not care what colour cowboy hat you wear. I do not care that you buried a teddy bear and now you believe it is haunting you.

How many times do I have to tell you that I don't care about the things in your life?. I do not love you.

Go and annoy Dumbledore.

The Dark Lord.

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Dear Voldemort,

You're very cranky today. I just wanted a bit of advice there is no need to be so grumpy.

Your constant refusal of loving me is becoming hurtful.

Well I'm going to bug Dumbledore now. Not because you told me to, because I want to.

Harry-King of Hamsters and Gerbils- Potter.

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Dear Dumbledore,

Voldemort told me to tell you that you're a jerk, okay he didn't. But I am sure he thinks you're. And even if he doesn't, I think you're jerk and I also think it'd be awesome if you dyed your beard pink.

Also I have become king of the hamsters and gerbils, please begin telling people about this.

Oh I nearly forgot to tell you, I played a prank on the Dursleys and somehow I turned them into pigs.

I don't know how I did it.

Harry - Being pigs' suit the Dursleys-Potter.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers. **

Dear Hermione,

I have taken the liberty of filling this letter with my various thoughts on the day to show future generations when they ask "I wonder what Harry Potter thought about?."

Morning

My breath smells, I swear a tiny troll pooped in my mouth when I was asleep.

Do tiny trolls exist?.

Should I warm up the pizza leftover from last night? . No, I prefer it cold anyway.

Why doesn't Hogwarts serve Pizza?.

I'm bored, I wonder what Hermione and Ron are doing.

My Aunt Petunia strongly resembles a horse.

I preferred the Dursleys when they were pigs, why did Dumbledore send Mr. Weasley to change them back.

Does Voldemort eat or drink?. I'd write and ask, but I know he won't tell me.

It's almost afternoon, that staring contest with Hedwig took up a lot time. I can't believe I lost a staring against my owl.

Afternoon

The banana covered in strawberry yogurt I had for lunch was delicious.

I must remember to thank Hermione for the food she keeps getting sent to me.

Why is my uncle Vernon looking at me as if I am odd?. He's the one with a pink mustache. Maybe he is still upset about the pig incident.

How odd my room is filled with pillows.

I feel like I've forgotten something, but what?.

I'm sure I'll remember at some point.

Bubbles are pretty. The bubbles burst, I'm really sad now.

I am finally going to accept I cannot juggle.

I am bored of writing now.

Love Harry

P.S I just remembered I forgot to turn the taps off in the bathroom.

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Dear Harry,

I am sure future generations will find it fascinating.

Love Hermione

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Dear Hermione,

Your letter was very short and I suspect you were being sarcastic.

I am a ninja.

Love Harry.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. **

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers. **

Dear Voldemort,

I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt you were wearing a tutu and you were singing. It was funny, but also creepy.

Oh, could you tell me all your future diabolical plans so I can thwart them.

Harry Potter.

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Dear Potter,

I have never worn a tutu and I don't sing. Your imagination disturbs me.

No I will not tell you any of my plans. If you want to find them out do some investigating.

What is with people now days?.

Wanting everything handed to them outright. In my day you didn't ask your arch enemies for their plans, you had to work your butt off to find out.

The Dark Lord.

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Dear Voldemort,

Don't go on an old man rant with me, its Dumbledore's fault. He is the jerk in all of this.

That remains me I have to write to Dumbledore.

Harry, I have a paper cut, Potter.

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Dear Dumbledore,

I swear to Merlin if you don't write to me I will join Voldemort. Yes he killed my parents and has tried killing me several times, but at least he takes the time to write to me.

Why can't you be more like my buddy Voldemort.

The very annoyed and serious about joining Voldemort, Harry Potter.

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Dear Mister Potter,

Although I seriously doubt you will run off and join the man that murdered your parents. I will answer your ridiculous letter on the off chance that you're serious.

You're to stop writing to Voldemort, I mean it Harry.

Albus Dumbledore.

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Dear Dumbledore,

Go eat dragon dung, if I want to write to Voldemort I will. You're not the boss of me.

Harry, I think Dumbledore is a jerk, Potter.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A massive thank you to my readers and reviewers, you guys are awesome. **

Dear Hermione,

I now have a baby dragon, I don't know whether it is a boy or a girl so I decided to call it Cheesy Pickles.

The Dursleys do not like Cheesy Pickles for reasons that eludes me.

Love Harry and Cheesy Pickles.

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Dear Harry,

Where did you get a dragon from?.

And Ron would like you to stop sending him pictures of your feet.

Love Hermione.

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Dear Hermione,

I know a guy who knows a guy that got Cheesy Pickles for me. There names are not important and how they got the dragon is best not asked.

Tell Ron if he wants me to stop sending him pictures of my feet he has to ask me to stop.

Love Harry and Cheesy Pickles.

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Harry ,

Stop sending me pictures of your feet and while I am on the subject of things I'd like you to stop sending me, here's a list of the following you're to stop sending me.

Pictures of cheese

Flower petals

Toenail clippings

Empty ice creams tubs.

Ron.

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Ron,

I am going to continue to send you those things and do you know why?

Because I am a good friend.

Harry and Cheesy Pickles.

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**AN: Check out my forum Plot Bunnies HQ.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A massive thank you to my readers and reviewers. **

Dear Voldemort,

I am very upset, Dumbledore took my baby dragon Cheesy Pickles away from me. I suspect it was that type of meanness that made you hate him.

Harry, I want my dragon back, Potter.

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Dear Potter,

I do not hate him because he was mean to me, I hate him because he is a Muggle loving fool.

And course he took a dragon away from you, you can't control yourself let alone a dragon.

The Dark Lord.

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Dear Voldemort,

I can control myself, I choose not to. Anyway I have gotten myself a tiger to take away the pain of losing Cheesy Pickles.

Harry Potter

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Dear Mister Potter,

Why do you have a tiger?. I told you no more dangerous pets. I am sending someone to collect the tiger.

Albus Dumbledore.

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Dear Voldemort,

Dumbledore is now sending someone to take my tiger away, it is all your fault. You were the only one who knew about me having a tiger.

Which means you told him, I can forgive the constant attempts to kill me. I can forgive the fact I am an orphan because of you, but I will never forgive you for telling Dumbledore about Eddie.

Yes, I named him Eddie and I was going to get another tiger a call it Teddy .

You're ruining my life.

Harry, I am really sad now, Potter.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers. **

Dear Hermione,

Do you ever think that maybe the issue with the wizarding world is that there are no amusement parks.

I just think that if Voldemort and Dumbledore went on a super scary Rollercoaster or something it'd be a bonding opportunity.

Love Harry.

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Dear Harry,

I shared thoughts with Dumbledore and apparently it would take more than a super scary ride to sort their issues out.

Both Sirius and the twins thought it was a good idea once I explained what amusement park was.

Love Hermione.

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Dear Hermione,

I try to come up with good and creative ways to ensure peace in our world, but Dumbledore and Voldemort won't even try anything to stop this ridiculous bickering before we all get killed.

Sometimes I wish their mothers were alive so I could tell on them.

Hey! I just a brilliant idea, I shall contact their mothers using a Ouija board.

Love Harry.

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Dear Dumbledore,

I contacted your dead mother's ghost and she is very angry with you.

Harry.

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Dear Voldemort,

I contacted your dead mother's ghost and she is very proud of everything you have done.

After speaking to her I am amazed you're as sane as you're. Seriously if she'd lived you'd be way worse.

Harry, your mother is weird, Potter.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A massive thank you to my readers and reviewers. **

Dear Harry,

I have decided to join you in insanity.

Why? Because I am fed up of being treated like I am a toddler. They call me the brightest witch of her age, but Dumbledore and everybody else treats me like I'm stupid.

Also they won't let me visit you, no matter how much I beg to.

Love Hermione.

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Dear Hermione,

Welcome to a life of insanity. The first thing you should know is that no matter what people say jelly beans nipped in ketchup is delicious.

That has nothing to do with being insane, but it is great advice though.

Love Harry.

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Dear Harry,

I offered to make lunch today for everyone and I remembered what you said about Jelly beans and ketchup, I thought to myself that sounds yummy.

So I decided to make that for lunch, but I couldn't find any Jelly beans or ketchup in the house so I decided to improvise.

I made up three different flavors of jelly; strawberry, raspberry and orange. I waited for to set and while I was waiting I chopped up lots of tomatoes and mashed them up into a pulp.

Once I'd done that I thought to myself that jelly and tomatoes was really boring on its own so I made a cheese, chocolate and curry sauce to go over it.

When I dished it up to everybody they refuse to eat it which was quite hurtful so to cut a long story short I dumped the food over their heads.

That's pretty much my day, what did you do today? .

Love Hermione.

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Dear Hermione,

My day has been pretty uneventful, I lost at a game of poker against a Goblin. I didn't have the money, but I told him Dumbledore had the money I owed him. So if Dumbledore gets attacked by an enraged Goblin its my fault.

But like I said uneventful.

How dare they refuse to eat the wonderful food you made. I am so enraged about this that I am going to write a very stern letter.

Love Harry.

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Dear people who refused to eat the wonderful food that Hermione cooked you, damn I should have just put dear jerks then the name would be shorter,

You're all ungrateful troll snoggers who occasionally date Goblins.

Hermione goes to the trouble to cook and you insult her by not eating it. Well let me tell you, you have made a powerful enemy in me by insulting Hermione.

Vengeance will be mine and Hermione's.

Your powerful enemy Harry Potter.


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

A massive thank you to my readers and reviewers.

Dear Voldemort,

Have you ever wondered what a half House Elf and Half Goblin baby would look like?. Because I have been thinking about it a lot lately and I can't decide if it would look cute or creepy.

Anyway I need a small favor in the form of borrowing a few of your Death Eaters for reasons I cannot divulge to you at this moment.

Harry Potter.

Dear Hermione,

I've noticed that you have not responded to my last three letters, I am worried about you.

Love Harry Potter.

Dear Harry,

It's Ron, I am writing to you on Hermione's behalf. Why? Because she currently can't cough without wands being drawn against her.

And it is all your fault! If you weren't insane or at least pretending to be then she wouldn't have joined you in insanity, she wouldn't have snuck out and gone to see Voldemort, offer him Dumbledore in exchange for him not killing you.

Ron.

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Dear Potter,

Leave me alone!, I have had enough of you and tell your friend to leave me alone too.

I will not lend you my Death Eaters, I don't like them that much but I don't hate them enough to send them anywhere near you.

The Dark Lord .  
Lord Voldemort.  
The Man who just wants you to leave him alone.

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Dear Ron and Hermione,

I think Dumbledore should sacrifice himself so I can live, I mean the man has been around forever and I haven't really lived at all.

And I thank Hermione for effort for trying to make sure I don't get killed, shame on you Ron for not assisting her.

Love Harry.

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Dear Voldemort,

I will not leave you alone and no, I won't tell Hermione to leave you alone either.

I knew you wouldn't lend me any Death Eaters. You're so mean.

Harry Potter.  
The Boy Who Lived The Boy Who Wanted To Have Parents, But Doesn't Because Of You. 


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Harry Potter.

A massive thank you to my readers and reviewers.

* * *

Dear Harry,

I've finally managed to earn the Order's trust back and by earning it back I mean that Sirius and Remus were supposed to be watching me, but they're unconscious for reasons that are not my fault.

Anyway what are you up too?

Love Hermione.

* * *

Dear Hermione,

I am solving a mystery!

I am searching for the villain who stole my crayon and when I find this villain I shall make them get me three billion crayons.

I have narrowed down the list of suspects to four people. My aunt Petunia, my uncle Vernon, Dudley and Goose who is a Frog that lives under my bed.

I do not have enough evidence to prove conclusively who is guilty, but I will.

Love Harry.

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Dear Harry,

I know you'll figure out what terrible villain stole your crayon. My money is your aunt Petunia, she seems like the type of person who'd steal your precious crayon.

Oh and I forget to tell you something very important in my last letter. Ron is in so much trouble with because he finally decided to join us in insanity.

She's really mad about it, but Ron has got to the point where he thinks it is easier to just join us rather than trying to get us to be sane.

Love Hermione.

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Dear Hermione,

I knew he'd join us eventually because a talking tree told me a dream.

Mrs. Weasley will get over it at some point, but while she still mad make sure you tell her how its all Dumbledore's fault that I'm insane, you're insane and Ron joining us insanity.

I mean mention at least fifty times an hour.

Love Harry.

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Dear Ron,

Hermione just told me the great and you're now my best bud again, welcome to the life insanity my friend.

I promise I will no longer throw darts at your picture that is on my bedroom wall. Your picture will now be moved back to my best buddy square on the wall I'll put your picture right next to Hermione's.

I love you again buddy.

Harry.

* * *

Dear Harry,

I love you to buddy.

I don't think Hermione is going to be able write anymore today, Mad Eye just found Sirius and Remus unconscious an he is convinced that she snuck out to see Voldemort then snuck back in.

But as Hermione keeps trying to tell him if she had gone to see Voldemort she'd be wearing her hamster costume and not sheep costume.

Ron.

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Dear Ron,

Everyone and their pet zebra know Hermione wears her hamster costume when she goes to see Voldemort so I don't know why Mad Eye doesn't. I just think he suspicious of Hermione because she has awesome ninja skills and he doesn't.

I was jealous of Hermione's ninja skills until I discovered my own ninja skills when I went to mars and had tea with the invisible aliens.

Anyway I have to go and investigate the disappearance of my crayon some more

Harry.


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Harry Potter.

A massive thank you to my readers and reviewers.

Dear Hermione and Ron,

I am extremely bored, so bored that I even tried to have a conversation with my Aunt Petunina which was a complete waste of effort.

I tried to have an intelligent conversation about whether Batman could a win fight against ten unicorns and she looked at like I'd just thrown a cabbage at her head.

Now you're both probably wondering how I know what her face looks like if someone threw a cabbage at her head, well two days ago I accidentally threw one at her. I was aiming it a this hybrid humanoid pig and lizard creature that stole my toast.

She got very upset about it, claimed I was trying to kill her!. It wasn't even a real cabbage, it was cuddly toy cabbage and it couldn't squash a fly.

Love Harry

P.S Please tell everyone that Voldemort has a secret love child called Goblin Goat.

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

I've been telling everyone that you have a secret love child called Goblin Goat, is it okay for me tell everyone that or is it totally not okay?.

If you say it's not okay I'm still going to tell everyone it I just wanted to know how you feel about it.

Harry Potter.

* * *

Dear Harry,

We miss you and understand your boredom, the order are being complete an utter buzzkills.

You try to send a bottle of whiskey and some chocolate to Voldemort an suddenly you can't be trusted to do anything.

We've told and written to everyone we can think of to inform them about Voldemort's secret love child called Goblin Goat.

Sirius said he thought that is the type of name Voldemort would name his child.

Love Hermione and Ron.

* * *

Dear Brat That Is Very Annoying,

You can tell people I have child called Goat Goblin, you can tell people I have a cat called Bubble Purple Pony for all I care.

Just leave me alone.

The Dark Lord


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Harry Potter.

AN: A massive thank-you to my reviewers and readers.

Dear Harry,

I heard Mrs Weasley and Sirius talking and they said that someone will be coming to get you and bring you here sometime next week.

Ron is in big trouble after going to Malfoy Manor and asking if Voldemort was there, how he managed not to get cursed by a Malfoy is still a mystery.

Anyway, I'm going to help the twins annoy Mad Eye now.

Love Hermione.

* * *

Dear Hermione,

Yay I'm finally getting out of this place well sometime next week but still yay.

Yes annoy Mad Eye, annoy everyone you can.

I'm going to inform Voldemort of the plan that sometime next week someone will be coming to get me just because I know it'll annoy Dumbledore.

Love Harry.

P.S Tell Ron that he should have broken into Malfoy Manor to search for Voldemort, he shouldn't have asked someone if he was there.

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

Sometime next week someone is going to collect me from the Dursleys, I thought I'd let you know because I know it'll really annoy Dumbledore.

Harry- I'm still awesome- Potter.

* * *

Dear Brat,

Usually I'd take that information and use to plot to kill you, but I'm busy gathering an army while the ministry continues to deny that I'm back.

The Dark Lord

* * *

Dear Mister Potter,

How did you know that someone is going to collect you next week and why did you tell Voldemort about it?.

Now I have to send several people that could be doing something else but now can't because of you.

Albus Dumbledore

* * *

Dear Jerk,

I am not telling you how I know and I can't believe Snape ratted me out about that letter, yes I know Snape is a spy.

Also, Voldemort is busy gathering an army to kill us all with at the moment, so his plans to kill me are on hold for the time being.

Harry- You are a mean- Potter.


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Harry Potter.

A massive thank you to my readers and reviewers.

* * *

Dear Voldy,

You know I've been wondering why none of your death eaters tried to kill me before I went to Hogwarts, I mean figure d out that Privet Drive is protected in some way, but why not wait at the end of the street and kill me and the Dursley when went to the shops or other places.

In other news I am no longer at the Dursleys so now I keep bugging everyone to take back there because I miss annoying them.

I mean its great annoying everyone here too, but whatever I do they just reverse within minutes.

These people are really mean and the worst Dumbledore just because I stole his lemon drops and tried to bite him, he got all "You must act normal Harry".

Did you send a Dementor after me?.

Because one came after me, but don't worry, I'm fine. Dudley was a bit shaken up by the whole thing though luckily Dobby was there otherwise I would have to use magic and then Ministry would be really annoying about the whole thing.

I Am Still Alive Harry Potter

* * *

Dear Potter,

The reason my Death Eaters didn't kill you before you started Hogwarts was because none of thought of waiting until you were out on the streets. I seriously need to get more intelligent death eaters if I am going to succeed in conquering the wizarding world and killing you.

No, I didn't send a Dementor after you which means someone else is trying to harm you and will stand for that. The only person who is allowed harm and eventually kill you is me.

The Dark Lord.

* * *

Dear Voldy,

I am hiding under the bed, apparently Molly Weasley doesn't find it amusing when you take her children to break into the Ministry.

It's not like we got caught or hurt so I have no idea what her problem is all we did was make everything pink.

I really regret mentioning it to her now.  
Anyway, as for needing more intelligent Death Eaters the smartest person I know is Hermione and she said she'd join you if the following demands were met.

No one calls her a Mudblood.

You make her a God.

You buy her a goat named Henry (I've no idea why she wants a goat that girl has become really weird lately I've no idea who's to blame though).

You don't kill me.

You let her bite people.

Harry its dark underneath this bed Potter

* * *

Dear Potter,

You are the reason the girl has become weird and I wanted to let her become Death Eater.

Not because she's a Mudblood because I am willing to overlook that due to her intelligence, but because the girl wants me not kill you.

The Dark Lord.

* * *

Dear Voldy Your Name Rhymes With Moldy,

So basically if you're a really smart Muggleborn that wants to kill me they can join you?

I am hurt by your constant lies of wanting to kill me because we both know I am really adorable.

Harry I Am Really Hurt Potter


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Harry Potter.

Dear Voldemort,

I am writing to you on the behalf of Harry who is currently a zebra and no matter anyone says. Although he is a zebra he had kept the ability of human speech.

He told me to tell you he is not happy a zebra.

I'm not happy that I someone stole my quill that dances, but no one cares about that and people's lack of caring is why after Harry kills you I turn evil and conquer both the Muggle and Wizarding world.

Now Harry's mumbling something about chickens and grapes I'm not really paying attention I'm too upset about my quill.

Hermione- I Am Smarter Than Purebloods- Granger

* * *

Dear Miss Granger,

I don't care if Potter is a Zebra or about your quill.

The world is mine, it will always be mine it shall never be yours.

The Dark Lord

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

You wish the world was yours also Harry says you lie you do cares he's a Zebra.

Zebra Harry also wishes you to know that he's hungry.

I have to go now because I need to steal Remus chocolate to watch freak out about it.

Hermione- I Will Be The Ruler Of The World- Granger


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Harry Potter.

Dear Voldemort,

I am no longer a Zebra for which I am glad. I have some devastating news I am returning to Hogwarts this will be my last letter because I assume I'll be much too busy to write.

Unless I am not busy then I shall write to you all the time my evil buddy. Anyway, I have to go set fire to things and maybe annoy Dumbledore.

Forever More Awesome Than You Harry Potter.

* * *

Author Note

Yes this is the last chapter but first chapter of the sequel Did You Miss Me? Will be published today.

I'd also like to thank everyone who reviewed, followed and favorited this story an I hope that its sequel is as popular.


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